Funny forex stories
1. Currency exchange
A Japanese guy (J) is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk (C):
J: Wait a minute. When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?
C: Fluctuations.
The Japanese man stiffens.
J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too!
2. Lottery
A broker named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said,
Ben: Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.
Jean Paul: Well, then, just give me the money back,
Ben: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Jean Paul: OK, then. Just unload the donkey,
Ben: What ya going to do with him?
Jean Paul: I'm going to raffle him off,
Ben: You can't raffle off a dead donkey!
Jean Paul: Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead,
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked,
Ben: What happened with that dead donkey?
Jean Paul: I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898,
Ben: Didn't anyone complain?
Jean Paul: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
3. Economist
One day an economist died and was accidentally sent to hell. As we all know, all dogs and economists go to heaven, but in this instance old saint Peter was off his game and our economist joined all the rapists, murderers and forex traders in the underworld.
After a few weeks in hell the economist realises that it’s not such a bad place after all, it’s just chronically mismanaged. So he implements a plan.
Within a few months the economy in hell is booming. He has the budget in surplus which enables the devil to spend on infrastructure, and investment funds start to flow in, increasing capital expenditures throughout the entire hellish economy.
After a year or two God looks down and notices that the standard of living in hell has increased to the point that most of his angels are booking their summer vacations there. The beaches are lovely, and face it, heaven is the last place you’re gonna find someone who can mix a decent cocktail.
He phones the devil to ask what’s going on. Satan explains that they have employed the services of an economist to fix their economy.
God is not happy. "You know that all economists go to heaven" he yelled, "send him back immediately or we’re going to sue you"
The devil just laughed and replied, "As if! Where are you gonna get your hands on a lawyer?"
4. The changing face of capitalism
Traditional capitalism:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
American capitalism (or enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
An australian corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A french corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.
A japanese corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A german corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A british corporation:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.
An italian corporation:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.
A russian corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A swiss corporation:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.
A chinese corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A new zealand corporation:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...
5. Are you a trader?
You know you’re a trader if…
- Your colleagues call you "PIP Daddy"
You know you’re a trader if …
- Anyone got ideas?????
6. Buddies
John meets his buddy George and asks hims:
John: Do me a favour, could you lend me $100?
George checks in his wallet and his pockets, then replies:
George: Sorry, pal. I got only $50.
John: Only 50? Never mind. Give give me the 50 you have, and you owe me another $50.
7. In pizzeria
A forex guru (GURU) walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter (WAITER) asks him:
WAITER: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
GURU: I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces.
8. New mattress
A man (MAN) calls his fx dealer (DEALER) all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.
The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years.
DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.
MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.
DEALER: Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.
MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.
9. Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog (FROG) called out to them and said:
FROG: Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman (OTHER WOMAN), aghast, screamed,
OTHER WOMAN: Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!
The second woman (SECOND WOMAN) replied,
SECOND WOMAN: Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!
10. Case in the firm
The owner (OWNER) of a large brokerage firm made a surprise visit at the sales department's floor. After a quick tour he reckoned that someone was standing near the secretary, doing nothing. He turned angry and red, approached the guy (GUY) and asked him:
OWNER: What's your salary, young man?
GUY: Around $800 a week, replied the guy.
The owner pulled out $800 from his pocket, gave it to the guy and shouted:
OWNER: Here's your salary. Take it, leave now, and never come back!
After regaining calmness, the owner turned to the floor manager and asked him:
OWNER: How comes you hire such a lousy person for the sales department?
The floor manager (FM) answered:
FM: Well, he doesn't work here. He is just the pizza delivery boy…
11. Races
Soros and a Bernanke went to the races. Soros suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. Bernanke was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. Soros whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince Bernanke.
Soros: You are too theoretical, he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: I told you, I knew the secret!
Bernanke: What is your secret?
Soros: It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.
Bernanke: But, three and five is eight,
Soros: I told you, you are too theoretical! Soros replied, Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!
A Japanese guy (J) is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk (C):
J: Wait a minute. When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?
C: Fluctuations.
The Japanese man stiffens.
J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too!
2. Lottery
A broker named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said,
Ben: Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.
Jean Paul: Well, then, just give me the money back,
Ben: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Jean Paul: OK, then. Just unload the donkey,
Ben: What ya going to do with him?
Jean Paul: I'm going to raffle him off,
Ben: You can't raffle off a dead donkey!
Jean Paul: Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead,
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked,
Ben: What happened with that dead donkey?
Jean Paul: I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898,
Ben: Didn't anyone complain?
Jean Paul: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
3. Economist
One day an economist died and was accidentally sent to hell. As we all know, all dogs and economists go to heaven, but in this instance old saint Peter was off his game and our economist joined all the rapists, murderers and forex traders in the underworld.
After a few weeks in hell the economist realises that it’s not such a bad place after all, it’s just chronically mismanaged. So he implements a plan.
Within a few months the economy in hell is booming. He has the budget in surplus which enables the devil to spend on infrastructure, and investment funds start to flow in, increasing capital expenditures throughout the entire hellish economy.
After a year or two God looks down and notices that the standard of living in hell has increased to the point that most of his angels are booking their summer vacations there. The beaches are lovely, and face it, heaven is the last place you’re gonna find someone who can mix a decent cocktail.
He phones the devil to ask what’s going on. Satan explains that they have employed the services of an economist to fix their economy.
God is not happy. "You know that all economists go to heaven" he yelled, "send him back immediately or we’re going to sue you"
The devil just laughed and replied, "As if! Where are you gonna get your hands on a lawyer?"
4. The changing face of capitalism
Traditional capitalism:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
American capitalism (or enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
An australian corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A french corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.
A japanese corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A german corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A british corporation:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.
An italian corporation:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.
A russian corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A swiss corporation:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.
A chinese corporation:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A new zealand corporation:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...
5. Are you a trader?
You know you’re a trader if…
- Your colleagues call you "PIP Daddy"
You know you’re a trader if …
- Anyone got ideas?????
6. Buddies
John meets his buddy George and asks hims:
John: Do me a favour, could you lend me $100?
George checks in his wallet and his pockets, then replies:
George: Sorry, pal. I got only $50.
John: Only 50? Never mind. Give give me the 50 you have, and you owe me another $50.
7. In pizzeria
A forex guru (GURU) walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter (WAITER) asks him:
WAITER: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
GURU: I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces.
8. New mattress
A man (MAN) calls his fx dealer (DEALER) all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.
The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years.
DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.
MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.
DEALER: Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.
MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.
9. Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog (FROG) called out to them and said:
FROG: Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman (OTHER WOMAN), aghast, screamed,
OTHER WOMAN: Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!
The second woman (SECOND WOMAN) replied,
SECOND WOMAN: Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!
10. Case in the firm
The owner (OWNER) of a large brokerage firm made a surprise visit at the sales department's floor. After a quick tour he reckoned that someone was standing near the secretary, doing nothing. He turned angry and red, approached the guy (GUY) and asked him:
OWNER: What's your salary, young man?
GUY: Around $800 a week, replied the guy.
The owner pulled out $800 from his pocket, gave it to the guy and shouted:
OWNER: Here's your salary. Take it, leave now, and never come back!
After regaining calmness, the owner turned to the floor manager and asked him:
OWNER: How comes you hire such a lousy person for the sales department?
The floor manager (FM) answered:
FM: Well, he doesn't work here. He is just the pizza delivery boy…
11. Races
Soros and a Bernanke went to the races. Soros suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. Bernanke was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. Soros whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince Bernanke.
Soros: You are too theoretical, he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: I told you, I knew the secret!
Bernanke: What is your secret?
Soros: It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.
Bernanke: But, three and five is eight,
Soros: I told you, you are too theoretical! Soros replied, Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!
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